Can I just start by saying what a strange few days I have had. This weekend has been a busy one, as I have been away working with my tarot cards and trying to earn some extra pennies.
It had been planned for months, and this was to be an enjoyable weekend where nothing was going to get in the way of some fun and learning.
And, this is when it started. The guilt !!!
I was going away and leaving them, left at home to it. All on their own, without me. How would they cope. Now normally in our house it is my hubby who goes away for a few days a month with work, and when he goes he never looks back, takes his bag and off he goes. Waving merrily until he returns with a Honey I’m home a few days later.
He never feels the guilt, he just leaves me to it and I carry on regardless.
So this is my main question tonight, why do some of us feel the guilt and others don’t. Is it a female thing or does it apply to the men too. I can’t answer that one as am not a bloke but I do wonder from what I have seen.
Friday morning I left home bright and early with a long day ahead, carrying out a couple of reiki healings which was fine and all went well, but, my darling hubby had said I could use his car for the long drive as it is more comfortable and powerful on the motorway than mine. Which I thought at the time was really nice of him, he even had it valeted, which is saying something as he doesn’t bestow a lot of time on looking after it and keeping it clean. So as you can imagine I felt pretty honoured.
Well it got to about 4.30 and time to set off, and I can tell you the shakes set in and the mind took over. It was like a greyhound out of the starting gates. Oh my goodness what if I crash it, what if it gets scratched, but worse than that what if it gets stolen!!! How dare I leave him with my little banger to have to drive around, why should I have the comfort for the weekend.
I am the only one that thinks like this??? Why do we have times when the mind takes over and we become totally bonkers over it all.
Now remember I haven’t even set off yet. But worse than that I suddenly realise I have all this panic running round in my head over a piece of metal that carries a Skoda badge and is at least 7 years old. It’s insured so if anything goes wrong its covered. It’s not an Astin Martin or Masseratti that is worth stealing, it’s a Skoda. How stupid do I feel now. I am sat stationary in the car laughing at myself by this point. If anyone had walked past and seen me they would have thought I had really lost the plot.
All this just because I am going off to spend a couple of days doing something that I enjoy. Something for me, where I am meeting new people from across the world and learning something new. FOR ME.
And it doesn’t include them.
Why do we struggle with doing something for ourselves?
Why can’t we not say no when someone asks us to do something for them and we clearly can’t or don’t want to.
What is wrong with us, why do we put everyone else before ourselves.
Why is it more important to make others happy and not ourselves.
As you can guess I have had a bit of a revelation this weekend. Maybe that’s a good thing, maybe it’s not, time will tell.
If you are one of the lucky ones that can honestly say they have never felt guilt over anything please will you have a word and let me know your secret please.
So after giving myself a bit of a wake up call, off I go. Simon Mayo on the radio to listen to, the windows down and a bit of fresh air coming in and all is going well until I hit the A65 and the brain takes over again.
Did I leave enough milk? Will he be able to sort himself out with something to eat, will he look after himself properly
Does he have enough clothes clean, will he remember to pay the window cleaner, on and on it went, round and round in my head. I could feel myself nagging him to remember all of this from a distance, it was ridiculous. But it just wouldn’t stop.
The really funny thing is he did over 20 years service in the army and can cook better than I can and certainly knows how to look after himself better than I could.
What the heck was wrong with me. Guilt at leaving him, that’s all.
Does anyone have episodes like this or is it just me!!!
By the time I arrived a couple of hours later I had sorted myself out and thought, do you know what. Blow it, I am going to enjoy this weekend, even if it kills me. I have been with my hubby 28 years, if he can’t sort himself out now, he never will.
I thoroughly enjoyed having breakfast made for me, and a few drinks in the bar talking about things that I enjoy with people who I had something in common with.
It was such a brilliant weekend that I am sure another one will be planned very soon.
I would like to leave you with a sentence I found on the internet today. Guilt is a supreme waste of time and energy.
So next time you have feelings of guilt creeping in, just remember those words.